How-To Guide for What to Say in a Sympathy Message
Posted by: Erin Ward in Grief and Guidance, Memorialization | July 1, 2021
When someone you know loses a loved one, it's common practice to send them a sympathy message, whether it’s virtual or in the mail. Once you purchase your card or start a new message draft, you may find yourself staring at a blank screen or card, unsure of what to say.
It can be difficult to come up with the right words, as you don’t want to offend or upset your loved one. If you didn’t know the deceased, this can make it even more difficult to figure out what to say.
To make writing a sympathy message a bit easier, let’s go over some tips.
Not sure what to say at the funeral? Check out this blog post for suggestions.
Express Your Condolences for Their Loss
You can start your message by expressing your condolences for their loss. If you didn’t know the deceased personally, it’s okay to keep your message brief.
If you did know the deceased, you may want to share some of your favorite qualities about them that you will miss. For example, maybe you always appreciated their honesty with you. Or maybe you want to mention how thoughtful they were, such as always remembering your birthday or other thoughtful things that showed they cared about you.
When saying how you’re sorry for their loss, it’s best to avoid topics that you’re unsure about bringing up. If you think there’s a chance that it might upset the family, then you probably shouldn’t mention it. Some examples of topics you may want to avoid include how the deceased died and phrases that suggest grief is something to get over because it’s something that lasts forever but gets easier with time.
Tell a Story About the Deceased If You Knew Them
If you knew the deceased, you could share a brief story about them. For example, you could start by saying, “I’ll never forget the time when...” and then summarize the story and why it’s special to you.
If your story is too long to share over a brief message, you could say how you’d love to exchange stories about their loved one sometime if they’re comfortable doing that. It could be an in-person visit, phone call, or even a video chat.
Show Your Support to Your Loved One as They Grieve Their Loss
To wrap up your sympathy message, you could suggest some ways that you can offer your support as they grieve their loss. This can be anything that would help them with their daily routine. Consider if they have kids, pets, or other responsibilities that they may appreciate some help with as they navigate their grief.
If you’re not sure how to show your support, here are a few suggestions:
- Listen to them talk about their loved one.
- Help them find grief resources in your area.
- Bring them meals and/or groceries.
- Offer to do some chores, like mowing the lawn or picking up their dry cleaning.
- Take their dog for a walk.
Should You Send a Virtual Sympathy Message or a Card in the Mail?
There is no straightforward answer to this, as it depends on many things, such as how well you know the person and how you usually communicate with them. If you don’t know them well and usually communicate virtually, then it may be fine to just send a virtual message, whether that’s through a social media message, email, or text.
Another option is to send a virtual message, so they get the message right away and follow up with a card in the mail. If you choose to send a social media message, just make sure that you do a private message rather than a post on their wall. A wall post isn’t private, and your loved one might not want to talk about the death publicly.
Or their loved one may even have an online memorial page for posting messages, sharing stories, uploading photos, and more. These serve as permanent, virtual tributes to those who are no longer physically with us.
One last thing to remember is that they might not respond right away or even at all, and that’s okay. They’re grieving a loss and going through a lot physically and mentally, so don’t take it personally if you don’t get a reply.
What advice do you have for what to say in a sympathy message? Share them in the comments!
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