Healing a Broken Heart
Posted by: Erin Ward in Grief Articles | July 6, 2021
It's about Putting Your Attention Where it Needs to Be
Grief and heartbreak: the two are inseparable. American author Anne Lamott affirmed the fact when she wrote: You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken... —Anne Lamott (Source: Goodreads)
British author J.K. Rowling, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix painted the picture more vividly: You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it. And Leo Tolstoy recognized the frailty of the human heart when he wrote in Anna Karenina, Doctoring her seemed to her as absurd as putting together the pieces of a broken vase. Her heart was broken.
Right now, following the death of your loved one, it feels as if your heart is—to one degree or another—broken. There are times when the heartache is unbearable and other times when you don't even think you can get out of bed. So, what can you do to help yourself heal?
You begin healing, not by doing everything you can to avoid the pain of grief; but by focusing your attention on the task of mourning. And because grief work is hard, you'll need to rest whenever you can. Through this cycle of attentive mourning, you can find your way through your grief, healing your broken heart along the way.
Important Things to Remember
There are some basic tenets about mourning you should always keep in mind. The first is this: your grief, and the nature of the grief work you'll need to do, is uniquely yours. There are four factors shaping your bereavement experience:
- the relationship you had with the deceased
- the circumstances of their death
- the quality of your support network of family, friends, and co-workers
- he sociocultural and spiritual context of your life
You can see how those factors work to make your bereavement experience different from that of others. This uniqueness means you should never compare your grief to anyone else's: it's apples to oranges as folks say. There's no benefit in comparison, so avoid it altogether. (You can listen to—and learn from—what other grievers have to say; just don't compare.) There are three other pillars of mourning to remember:
- Always take it one day at a time.
- As much as you can, stay in the present moment. Don't slip into the past for very long, and don't look too far into the future. There's no real way for you to picture it accurately.
- Do one thing every day to move you toward achieving the four tasks of mourning. Read How to Manage the Effects of Grief and Stress for task-related details.
Here are some other suggestions for attentive mourning:
Talk to others. Whenever possible, share your thoughts and feelings with people who care about you. This could mean a weekly chat with a friend, time spent with your pastor; or it may be prudent to join a grief support group, either online or in-person.
Expect the unexpected. Some describe mourning as an emotional roller coaster ride. Expect to feel things like fear, relief, anger or guilt; you might even find yourself feeling nothing: you're numb. Expect to be confused, forgetful and disorganized in your thinking. There's no predicting how you'll feel from minute to minute, so don't even try. Instead, do your best to learn from these emotions. You also should expect to feel grief bursts—overwhelming surges of emotion—at unexpected times. This experience was beautifully described by the French novelist Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette:
It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. (Source: Goodreads)
No matter how odd what emotion you're feeling may seem; always remember it's a normal and healthy expression of your grief.
Stay focused, but remember your limits. Grieving is both mentally and physically tiring. When you feel you can't take anymore, back off. Get rest; eat well, and cancel or reschedule what appointments you can.
Don't isolate. All you may want to do right now is to shut everyone out, but this would be counter-productive. Instead, have a modified open door policy: allow caring, compassionate people into your life, but exclude those who are less able to be the kind of support you need now. And remember, when you need to take a time out, it's really okay to lock your door so you can rest.
Use ritual to make your grieving a sacred experience. Personal rituals which engage the senses—such as the lighting of a candle, beginning or ending the day with a calming yoga practice, journaling or other creative endeavors, even the ritualized use of essential oils—do much to affirm the sacred nature of the transition you're going though as well as affirm the otherworldly connection you still have with the deceased.
Turn to your faith. If you have a religious background, this is not the time to neglect your spirituality. While the death of your loved one may cause you to doubt your beliefs for a time, or even force you to change your beliefs based on what you've experienced; revisiting your spiritual training can be useful to you right now.
Find significance and meaning in your loved one's death. You'll never be able to answer all the questions you have (like Why did this have to happen?) But in asking the questions in the company of a loving, supportive person or support group, you'll slowly find the significance of this loss and help yourself heal.
Hang on to your memories, but don't cling to them. The past is gone and it's not smart to dwell on it. But the memories you have of your loved one can fuel your grief work. Don't let your memories fade; document each of them, either using a journal or a handheld digital recorder.
Healing a Broken Heart: It's Always Work
It doesn't matter the exact nature of your loss: whether it's the loss of a job, the end of a marriage, or the death of someone dear; the healing—the coming back—is hard. You've got to keep your focus on grieving attentively and purposefully, at a time when you're exhausted. Nineteenth-century English author Mary Ann Evans, who wrote under the pen-name George Eliot, described the work of grieving this way:
She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.
We think it both accurately describes the goal in grieving: to become comfortable with the now experience of loss as well recognizing how grief as an ally...a sharer of the experience of loss. Grieving requires you to accept the perfection of the status quo. As Valery Satterwhite wrote, it's important to know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not (Source: Goodreads).
It's also valuable to remain expectant of good things happening to you, including relief from the hour-to-hour suffering of bereavement. When you're having a difficult day, recall these words, from Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance: A Yearbook of Comfort and Joy: Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday.
It's about Time and Focused Attention
Integrating your loss and recovering your enthusiasm for life through attentive mourning takes time. There's no way of knowing how much time; everyone is different. Just be patient. Accept the fact the death of your loved one has changed you forever; it's up to you to determine exactly how you'll be changed.
We'd like to remind you of one thing: first, there are other articles on our website which may be of interest to you, including: Is There a Connection Between Grief and Resilience?, and The Work of Mourning the Loss of a Loved One.
119 Comments
Gddff
5 days ago
As an online entertainment destination, Voodoo Wins focuses on delivering accessibility and user convenience. The platform is optimized for both desktop and mobile browsing, allowing visitors to navigate efficiently through available sections. Its responsive design and structured layout contribute to a seamless browsing experience.
sosojustdo
May 24
The quote from Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette about how a tiny, unexpected trigger can suddenly bring on an overwhelming surge of emotion really resonated with me; it's so true how those grief bursts can happen. Sometimes, when words feel insufficient to describe the complexity of what's happening internally, a visual representation can be incredibly cathartic. If you're struggling to articulate those feelings, you might find a Free AI text to Image Generator a helpful tool for externalizing some of that internal chaos through imagery. It's a unique way to process and give form to the 'emotional roller coaster ride' this article describes.
ZImage
May 21
Such a powerful read. The author is completely right about letting our emotions out creatively through art or photography. When you're grieving, finding a visual outlet can provide immense comfort and a quiet space for healing.
For anyone who wants to try visual expression but doesn't know how to paint, tools like Z Image AI can be a wonderful, gentle place to start. You can generate soothing digital art or peaceful custom backdrops based entirely on your mood or thoughts. It really helps move some of that emotional weight out into the world. Thank you for sharing these thoughtful insights.
carll932
May 21
Z mojego doświadczenia wynika, że pierwsze wrażenie w kasynach online często zależy od tego, jak szybko użytkownik rozumie dostępne promocje. W tym przypadku chciałem sprawdzić, czy system bonusowy rzeczywiście działa tak, jak opisują go inni gracze. Przed założeniem konta przeanalizowałem https://polscekasyno.pl/casino/fountain-casino/, aby zobaczyć, jak wygląda struktura oferty. Zwróciłem uwagę na promocję fontan casino 100 zł bez depozytu, ponieważ daje ona możliwość rozpoczęcia gry bez własnych środków. Po rejestracji wszystko było czytelne, a dostęp do bonusu nie wymagał skomplikowanych działań. Cały proces okazał się prostszy, niż się spodziewałem, co zachęciło mnie do dalszego testowania platformy.
carll932
May 21
Z mojego doświadczenia wynika, że pierwsze wrażenie w kasynach online często zależy od tego, jak szybko użytkownik rozumie dostępne promocje. W tym przypadku chciałem sprawdzić, czy system bonusowy rzeczywiście działa tak, jak opisują go inni gracze. Przed założeniem konta przeanalizowałem https://polscekasyno.pl/casino/fountain-casino/, aby zobaczyć, jak wygląda struktura oferty. Zwróciłem uwagę na promocję fontan casino 100 zł bez depozytu, ponieważ daje ona możliwość rozpoczęcia gry bez własnych środków. Po rejestracji wszystko było czytelne, a dostęp do bonusu nie wymagał skomplikowanych działań. Cały proces okazał się prostszy, niż się spodziewałem, co zachęciło mnie do dalszego testowania platformy.
carll932
May 21
Z mojego doświadczenia wynika, że pierwsze wrażenie w kasynach online często zależy od tego, jak szybko użytkownik rozumie dostępne promocje. W tym przypadku chciałem sprawdzić, czy system bonusowy rzeczywiście działa tak, jak opisują go inni gracze. Przed założeniem konta przeanalizowałem https://polscekasyno.pl/casino/fountain-casino/, aby zobaczyć, jak wygląda struktura oferty. Zwróciłem uwagę na promocję fontan casino 100 zł bez depozytu, ponieważ daje ona możliwość rozpoczęcia gry bez własnych środków. Po rejestracji wszystko było czytelne, a dostęp do bonusu nie wymagał skomplikowanych działań. Cały proces okazał się prostszy, niż się spodziewałem, co zachęciło mnie do dalszego testowania platformy.
monkey
May 19
For anyone searching for an easy and fast download reels instagram solution, this website is definitely worth checking out. It makes saving Instagram Reels simple while keeping the process smooth and user-friendly on both desktop and smartphone browsers.
sssususus
May 18
Tracking your child's development? A Growth Chart Calculator keeps milestones in check, and on tough days, a dose of Inspirational Quotes can make all the difference. Whether you're managing a long to-do list or coding project, a Line Counter keeps things organized. Advocate for yourself at work with a Pay Raise Calculator to know exactly what you deserve, and complement that with a Strength Calculator to level up your fitness goals in parallel. Dream of rewarding yourself with a trip? Find the Best Time to Visit Japan and use a Correlation Coefficient Calculator to analyze your savings vs. spending patterns to get there faster!
sssususus
May 18
Feeling spontaneous? Use a Random Country Generator to pick your next travel destination, then spark your travel journal with a Random Sentence Generator for creative writing prompts along the way! Design eye-catching travel blog headers with a Bubble Letter Generator, and never stress over restaurant bills abroad with a handy Tip Calculator. Planning to settle down somewhere new? Estimate yard cleanup costs with a Tree Removal Cost Calculator, measure your new space using a Square Footage Calculator, and make sure your photos and videos look perfect on any screen with an Aspect Ratio Calculator.
sssususus
May 18
Heading on a camping trip? Check how many days until your adventure begins, then get fully prepared with a Camping Checklist you can print and take along! Plan your trail meals smartly with a Recipe Calorie Calculator and understand your fitness needs better by knowing your Body Type. Budget your gear wisely using a Markup Calculator, calculate tent dimensions or trail distances with a Pythagorean Theorem Calculator, and for the ladies, keep your health on track even outdoors with a Period Calculator.
sssususus
May 18
Planning a wedding? Start with the Wedding Planning Checklist to stay on track! Perfect your reception menu by converting ingredients with a Grams to Cups Converter, handle complex recipe scaling with a Mixed Number Calculator, and nail the cake batter consistency using a Density Calculator. Add a fun twist by checking the Chinese Gender Calendar if a baby announcement is on the horizon! Break the ice at the reception with a Random Question Generator, and delight the kids with a whimsical Animal Generator for table decorations.
sssususus
May 18
Planning the perfect birthday bash starts with knowing exactly how many days until the big day! Fuel the party prep with the right nutrition using a Protein Calculator, and don't forget to include your furry guests with a Dog Calculator for their needs. Keep the drinks flowing responsibly with an Alcohol Calculator, and figure out your venue space in cubic to feet. Give your guests fun fantasy name tags using a DnD Name Generator, and set the mystical mood by checking everyone's Moon Sign for the night!
sssususus
May 18
Great guide on protecting your privacy! 🔒 Use Planning Birthday to mark your 'digital clean slate' day. Discover your new identity with Name Numerology Calculator and style it with Gothic Font Generator. Plan your safe space with Fence Calculator, Concrete Calculator, Paver Calculator, compare options with Inequality Calculator, and stay motivated with Inspirational Movie Quotes.
sssususus
May 18
What an exciting update about MegaTrad joining Garden Party 2025! 🎶🎉 While it's a shame about Ye Vagabonds, MegaTrad's "bold beats, deep bass, and wild creativity" sounds absolutely electrifying — the Piper's Garden is going to come alive! I'm already counting down the minutes to this unforgettable evening. Speaking of countdowns, I've been using Full Screen Countdown Timer to build the excitement for the big night — there's nothing like watching the clock tick down to an event you're truly buzzing about! Can't wait to see MegaTrad blow the thatch off the roof! 🏡🎸✨
sssususus
May 18
What an exciting update about MegaTrad joining Garden Party 2025! 🎶🎉 While it's a shame about Ye Vagabonds, MegaTrad's "bold beats, deep bass, and wild creativity" sounds absolutely electrifying — the Piper's Garden is going to come alive! I'm already counting down the minutes to this unforgettable evening. Speaking of countdowns, I've been using [Full Screen Countdown Timer](https://fullscreencountdowntimer.com/) to build the excitement for the big night — there's nothing like watching the clock tick down to an event you're truly buzzing about! Can't wait to see MegaTrad blow the thatch off the roof! 🏡🎸✨
nish
May 14
download ig reels becomes simple and fast with this powerful tool. With this download ig reels service, you can save any Instagram Reels video in high quality directly to your device. Just copy the Reel link, paste it into the download ig reels tool, and instantly get a smooth HD video download.
Eros
May 13
Visitors exploring eros nj can browse local companionship profiles in a clean and organized format. Listings are structured to provide helpful details, images, and availability information, making comparison easier. The platform focuses on usability and convenience, creating a smooth browsing experience for users while helping entertainers maintain professional visibility.
Bosnia
May 8
Za nove korisnike u Bosni i Hercegovini, Mr Bit kazino predstavlja idealnu platformu za početak igranja zahvaljujući jednostavnom sistemu i bogatoj ponudi igara. Registracija je brza, a korisnici odmah dobijaju pristup promocijama i bonusima. Među njima se posebno izdvaja bonus za registraciju, koji omogućava dodatne pogodnosti već na samom početku.