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Ineke (Hebeltje) Joy Dykstra Obituary

Brought to you by Kern Funeral Home

Ineke (Hebeltje) Joy Dykstra

Mount Vernon, WA

August 23, 1941 - June 7, 2021

Ineke (Hebeltje) Joy Dykstra Obituary

At four she ran away from home to the nearby school on the milk boat. It was a little over three kilometers to Winsum, Groningen, The Netherlands. She had survived four years of Nazi occupation, living in a home where they were hiding three refugees, keeping family secrets at gun point. Her father had just returned from a Nazi concentration camp in Germany, wounded and bruised in body and soul. When she asked ‘dejuffrouw’ if she could please come to school, ‘dejuffrouw’ was unable to refuse even though she was a little young. It was 1945. At age nine she and her family of nine emigrated to the United States. Knocking on schoolhouse doors was to become a way of life. The day after arriving in the United States she found the brick school house in Vienna, New Jersey and, unable to speak English had to ask in Dutch about coming to school. Since her family moved often in New Jersey, then to California and then to Washington, she repeated her request often but never again in Dutch. She spoke fluent English within six months after arriving in this country. When she was twelve she translated her father’s small book telling his concentration camp experiences,``Why Return from Neuengamme,” to English. It was a relief to be able to begin her 8th grade school year and finish her 12th year in the same school district, Sedro Woolley, Washington. Her time spent in high school felt like heaven! She enrolled in college prep classes and her high school career was highlighted by winning top state honors in debate and speaking endlessly to classes and community groups on: “I love America!” She was Valedictorian and wrote her speech “I am the Voice of Integrity,” with tears and delivered her speech in a trembling voice to what she called an ‘awesome, quiet audience.’ After a huge conflict between marriage and college, she found herself sick in bed. Her parents, pastor and church elders persuaded her that God created women to be wives and mothers and that college was superfluous and could cause lasting problems. Being too young and insecure to forsake family and the Dutch Christian Reformed Church, she detoured her college directed classes to business classes. At the tender age of 19 she married and attempted with all her might to become the ‘ideal Calvinistic housewife’ and zealous church worker. She began working as an office manager for the local Farmers Insurance Group District Office and became a youth leader in her church. Over the course of the next ten years, she was the local, regional and national youth director of the Young Calvinist Federation. She had her work published in The Young Calvinists’ international youth magazine, Insight. After a few years of hard work, she and her husband opened their own business... Rouw Insurance Agency. Throughout this time she continued writing her monthly column, short stories and poetry, while sneaking in a few college classes. In the spring of 1965, she attended Skagit Valley College as a fulltime student. Not able to conceive a child, they looked to adopt. Later that summer she was told by her pastor that being a full time homemaker was a must if they wanted to adopt a baby through denominational channels. She quit her job and withdrew from fall classes. Their first adopted child (Michael) was born September 14, 1965. They brought him home three days later. She was 24. A second child (Paul) was adopted in 1967 and a third (Indira) in 1970. Her thirties were focused on raising her children, working in the family business, and spending time being the adult education leader and care group leader in her church. If she were lucky, she found time to take a college class here or there. She entered her forties as a single mother of three and sole owner of Rouw Insurance Agency. She had been awarded the business, which was the first time in Washington State court history a family-owned professional business was awarded to the wife. The responsibilities of owning and running a business, while raising three teenagers, however, did not keep her away from a college campus. She often lectured to classes at Skagit Valley College and Mount Vernon High School on technical issues of insurance and finance. She became an active member of the Skagit Valley College Women’s Program Advisory Board and was invited frequently to share her experiences as a single parent and small business owner in a male dominated field. In addition, she supported and participated in leadership roles for their Displaced Homemaker Program. She was a community resource person in workshops and classes offered in marketing, finances, sales and management. In addition, she participated in health seminars and programs offered by Skagit Valley Hospital and Health Center and/or such groups as OA. Throughout her mid to late forties, she found herself standing her ground and fighting for financial damages suffered after the third largest insurance company in the United States violated her legal rights. She won….her lone voice would not be silenced by the unlimited financial and legal resources of a large corporation. She had become an expert court trial witness and set precedents in the legal arena. In 1988, two experiences influenced her significantly. She was present at the birth of a child and the death of a dear friend; both events taking place in her local hospital. They gave her a deep consciousness of the brevity of life. In addition, she came to appreciate the fact that a community’s hospital, like its schools and churches, was a meaningful institution. When she was asked to become a founding member of the Skagit Valley Hospital’s first foundation, she accepted eagerly. She served as president for the foundation's first exciting year and then was re-elected a second term. In its brief existence, the Skagit Valley Hospital foundation had already significantly affected the quality and availability of healthcare in her community. She enjoyed investing her time, energy and love and found the experience very rewarding. On her 50th birthday; she remarried, retired and she ran away from home again. Instead of being a little girl, she was a prominent and successful business owner and community/church leader. She had lived, loved, and worked there for forty years. In order to assist scores of other victims, shortly before leaving Washington, she voluntarily exposed herself as a survivor of long term sexual and emotional abuse by a prominent “Christian” clinical psychologist. Her voice enabled the state licensing board and the American Psychological Association to confront, expose and prosecute the dangerous sexual predator. This time she was the one who was left wounded and bruised in body and soul. Living through the subsequent confrontations and consequences of telling such a hideous secret made her feel like she had survived another world war. The truth was acknowledged by the American Psychological Association, the Washington State Licensing Department, Fuller School of Theology and Psychology, and the civil court system. Each institution took the appropriate action, including the revocation of the psychologist's license. For the next two years, she and her husband lived on a 36’ sailboat on Puget Sound. Living on the salt water cleansed her soul and healed her wounds. She felt almost ready to circumnavigate the world. But first, she had another school house beckoning. Feeling unsafe in her hometown (flashbacks to her early childhood in a war zone) gave her the impetus once again to explore running away to school and fulfilling unrealized dreams of being a scholar, and perhaps even obtaining a college degree. She had heard about the Ada Comstock Scholars Program from a friend. Even though she was her class valedictorian, it took considerable courage to knock on the Smith College door and once again ask: “May I go to school here?” The admissions board said “yes,” even though she was a little old. It was 1993. Weeping tears of joy, the tide of her life deposited her on the Smith College campus on her fifty-second birthday. She had emigrated once again, this time from the West Coast to New England. Her mother, with only a fourth grade education, died before she finished her first semester. She interrupted her studies to lay her to rest next to her father, who had been allowed to finish fifth grade. She stayed for four years, graduating in 1997. The experience revolutionized her life, far beyond anything she ever envisioned or had dared to dream. She had been given the opportunity to study, not as a means to an end, but for its own sake. One of her most memorable experiences occurred during her sophomore year, going to Oxford University for a summer seminar at Trinity College. For six weeks she studied modern British women writers and Milton’s Paradise Lost in the Oxford way - being taught almost individually and being required to write and speak her own thoughts on the texts versus researching the thoughts of others, she discovered and uncovered an intellectual gold mine within. She, who for the most part of her life had been ashamed of not having a college degree, had become an Oxford scholar. She wrote six papers with a $125 fountain pen she had given herself for this occasion, as computers were not provided, on a well-worn old desk in a 500-year old building. She became heady breathing in the aura of ancient scholars and sharing port after dinner with the professors in the garden of Trinity College. She was on the Dean’s list all four years and received her Bachelor of Arts degree in Political Science and her minor in Public Policy and Children’s Issues. After graduation she decided to sit and meditate in her May Sarton-like New England cottage, surrounded by a stone wall, woods and mountains ….until such time as she heard the “still small voice” clearly beckoning her. About a year later, the “still small voice” beckoned her. She felt called to become a Stephen Minister. Through her church she trained to provide one-to-one care to those experiencing a difficult time in life. She enjoyed being a Stephen Minister for several years; she had intellect and empathy, was able to be present and give of herself fully, without hesitation. She began to feel it was time to pack her belongings and begin her next journey. This time, it was not to run away from anything, rather it was to run towards something…..her four grandchildren: Taryn, Larisa, Adam and Katie. She moved back to Mount Vernon, WA where she lived a contemplative life, spending most of her daily life in prayer and meditation on peace. She volunteered at Skagit Valley Hospital and most recently at Hospice; she was part of the Bereavement team making Anniversary Calls, these calls resonated most with her. Being still and living each day in the moment, loving herself and those around her….especially her children and grandchildren; was at its core that which made her heart beat. She continually pursued and prioritized her own inner growth and wellbeing, while at the same time accepting every person just where they are with such love and presence. You were always welcome in her life and in her home; whether to have thought provoking philosophical conversations, seeking a place of respite or just to share tea and a treat. Her faith was all encompassing, she was strong in word and deed. She was brave and fought for what was right, regardless of personal cost. She was a survivor. She was a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother and friend. A philanthropist, a philosopher, a poet, and even a preacher of sorts. She was a single parent, business owner, leader, speaker, writer, teacher and skilled negotiator. She was smart and had an incredible memory. Her intuition was both sharp and loud. She enjoyed being a mischief maker. Yet she couldn't remember the punchline from a joke. She enjoyed doing things with her hands and began crocheting baby blankets during her classes at Smith. She was an avid follower of college basketball and professional football, but her true passion was watching tennis (especially Roger Federer). She enjoyed a buttery delicious New York Steak. Her sweet tooth yearned for a good dessert or bakery item, specifically bakery items she remembered from her childhood in Holland. She and I had traveled to Holland in 2001; she was adamant we stop at every bakery in every town in hopes of finding the delicious items she fondly remembered from her childhood. She had a special relationship with salt and butter, just like her mother. She loved to travel as long as it was somewhere warm. She loved watching and listening to the crashing waves of the ocean. She loved music and loved to sing, even though she struggled to stay in tune. She loved to pray and to meditate. She loved sending and receiving cards in the mail. She enjoyed spending time with her nieces, nephews and their families. Friendship was sacred and translated into deep connection. She was authentic and genuine. Her wisdom, strength, courage and love were a shining and guiding light for all. She was kind and gentle. In troubled times, she knew less was often better and would simply be present with you. She chose to see the good in people and in life. Her dishes were different shapes and sizes and seldom matched. She handpicked them out based on how they spoke to her. If she was going to eat a meal, she wanted it on a plate which meant something to her. She refused to use paper napkins; instead she would use bright bold colored cloth napkins. You would never find her kitchen table bare; it always adorned a beautiful table cloth. Her house was filled with fresh flowers and living plants, which she loved to arrange herself. You would be remiss if you failed to notice the number of books throughout her home. She loved to read real books, feeling the pages in her hands. She refused to wear anything which wasn’t soft and pleasing to the touch. She wore scarves and she had an innate ability to bring any outfit together by pairing it with one of them. She liked to look nice and shop for nice clothes, Nordstroms was always her favorite. She had the comfiest sheets, softest blankets and fluffiest robes. She liked colorful, large, thick and of course warm towels in her bathroom and soft microfiber towels in her kitchen. She had a personalized license plate which read: BE STILL (from one of her favorite Bible verses, Psalm 46:10). Every breath she took, every thought she had, every word she spoke, every item she wore, and every thing she touched had purpose. She lived each day with intent. She prayed and worked endlessly for peace on earth. Unfortunately the last ten years of her life came with many health hurdles. She experienced horrible migraines, bladder cancer, diabetes, stage three kidney disease, and lung cancer. And most recently was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer after a short stay at Virginia Mason. Her prognosis was poor and she chose to forgo treatment options, however did entertain the idea of participating in a clinical trial as she knew the data collected would hopefully help someone someday. We picked her up on May 17th and brought her home, her doctors gave her an approximate three to six month window. She chose to seek Hospice instead of treatment, wanting to live out her days at home, in peace and without pain. She had fought so many health battles over the past ten years and always came back stronger and more determined. Unfortunately, this time her body had had enough and she passed away 21 days later. She passed away on June 7th, 8:41am with Paul and me by her side. She was blessed with many wonderful and sacred friendships: Jeannette, her niece and lifelong treasured friend; Deb, her soul sister, meditation and yoga partner, exploring, just ‘be’ing, authentically raw and truest of friends; Carol, her midlife warrior, adventure and thrill seeking friend; Kathleen, her midlife, quiet contemplative confidant; Diane, her philosophically stretching, intellectually stimulating, dear, dear friend; Elisabeth, her longtime, very close, spiritually affirming, life experienced with deep understanding, steadfast friend; Geraldine and Christine, her dear friends and classmates from Smith College; Karen, her tea talk and text sharing, village neighbor, friend; Demi, her trusted and loyal nurse, tennis watching partner, always making her smile, friend. She was preceded in death by her parents Kornelius and Jeanette Dykstra, son Michael (who unexpectedly passed seven days prior), brothers Hanke, Tunis, Casey, brother in law John B. Oosterhof and several nephews. Hebeltje is survived by her son Paul Rouw (Feliza) and their children Taryn, Larisa, and her daughter Indira Rouw Wagenbach and her children Adam, Katie. She is also survived by her two brothers Douwe Dykstra (Ymkje) and Henry Dykstra (Charlotte), two sisters Tillie Young (Andy) and Alice Oosterhof and numerous nieces and nephews. Paul will miss vacations that our family enjoyed with her in Chelan and Cancun, sharing the birth of our children, watching basketball and tennis, having her attend our kids’ birthday parties, plays, music concerts, and sporting events. I am grateful for her giving me the opportunity to work in the insurance business and work towards owning the business. I will miss the one and one conversations that were usually pretty simple but not always easy. Thank you for being a mother, grandmother, and a friend. Love, Paul As for me, Indira, I miss all of you. I miss walking through your front door and seeing your smiling face. I miss the calming and reassuring sound of your voice, and our discussions about life, love and the often revisited ‘why.’ I miss your thoughts, insight and especially your infinite wisdom. Never getting bogged down by life’s minutiae, instead staying present and laser focused on what mattered. I miss your incredible laugh. I miss looking into your eyes, reflecting on a lifetime of pain and struggle, a fierce love of family, immeasurable faith and hope. I miss holding your hands; they were tired and worn, yet soft and delicate. They held beautiful stories of your life; they gave me courage and hope. I miss your gentle hugs, I felt safe and protected, surrounded by your armour of love. You were my mother, my mentor, my inspiration, and my best friend. You were Adam and Katie’s Opoe, and I miss your presence in their world. You have been their rock, their guiding light, their safe spot to land, their biggest cheerleader, their beacon of hope, their inspiration to be better, their reason to sit still and just be. Thank you for being you, in all your magnificent and beautiful ways. To the moon and back. Love, Indira ~ Indira J Rouw Wagenbach, July 2021 Services for Ineke will be held on Friday, August 13, 2021 at 1:00 PM at Bethany Covenant Church, Mount Vernon. Arrangements are under the care of Kern Funeral Home, Mount Vernon.

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